"Passover" Me

Tonight was the first time that I thought about this blog in years.  It seems that I have been in a state of "Passover" for almost 6 years now instead of just 7 days.  I have had time to think and reflect on life as I have lived it, and I have come to the conclusion that I, like the Israelites, have been wandering through the desert longing to see the Promised Land.

I have been "passed over" for relationships, jobs, family, good health, and friendship for almost two decades.  Every attempt to take a step forward in my situation leads to two steps backwards...or so I thought.  The past two years have been some of the darkest and most enlightening years of my life.  After moving to Georgia for a Latin teaching job, I quickly became sick with a 3-month long migraine which caused me to have to quit teaching again.  However, little did I know that I was needed at home in North Carolina.  Both of my maternal grandparents were diagnosed with cancer and placed in Hospice at the same time.  They could not care for themselves, so I became their daytime caregiver.   After my grandmother passed, I moved into the house with my grandfather.  We had always been kindred spirits, but the last year of his life was exceedingly special to me.  He and I had many adventures together, told each other stories, dabbled in art, shared books, and had many conversations on religion, history, and the importance of each in one's life.  After growing so close to him, I was devastated when he passed on to his Tiny House in Heaven.  However, I knew that he was no longer in pain and that life goes on long after we return to dust.

I soon learned that I had my own health concerns with which I had to live.  I was diagnosed with Lupus and Occipital Neuralgia along with my Chronic Daily Migraines, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and everything that those illnesses entail.  It was time to find my way back into the world from which I had retreated two years earlier.  Since then, I have found new friends, reacquainted myself with old ones, engaged in art, began keeping a bullet journal, started reading the Torah along with various books everyday, applied for online teaching positions, and am enrolled in a class to learn how to teach gifted students online.  I am also a freelance marketing director for a local business.  I have been biding my time and trying to live my best life with debilitating illnesses.

This Passover was one of the first that I have celebrated entirely on my own.  I have seen it with new eyes and a new found dedication.  I have been bereft of leavening for almost 6 years as I struggled with my lot in life.  But, the Lord has now given me manna from Heaven to allow me to subsist until I cross into the land that was meant for me.  I can see it just over the Horizon   There will be struggles, battles, famine, and feasts, but it will all be mine for the taking.  All I have to do is embrace it as it comes to me and live each day to the best of my ability.

'Tis the Season?

I am having lots of trouble getting into the spirit of the season of Thanksgiving, love, and togetherness.  I suppose that it would have something to do with my ex-fiancee leaving me a "Dear John" letter and packing up all of the belongings while I was at work last month, leaving me with about $3,000 in bills to pay by myself.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I do not have a family of my own with which to celebrate.  It could even be the fact that too much favoritism rears its ugly head in the form of gift-giving.  My family and future have been broken, and I feel like little has been accomplished this year.

Then there is the opposite side of the coin.  I have a home, a loving mother, a relatively stress-less job teaching bright, enthusiastic students.  I earned my teaching license (which I just received in the mail!).  My niece will soon be born, and my graduate school has been put on hold.  These are all blessings which I really took for granted until last year when I taught students who were homeless and had very little but that which they made for themselves.  If I look at my problems, they seem very minute in comparison.

So, for this season of giving and merry-making, I encourage each of you to look to those examples of those with less.  Enjoy the little amount of time left with our loved ones this year, put aside pettiness.  As Anne of Green Gables says, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."  So let's make that our goals and aspirations for next year.  I am going to enjoy what I have and try not to dwell in the land of negativity next year.  And who knows...maybe this year it will stick!

Holiday Blues

I often sit and wonder why I even celebrate the holiday of Christmas with my family.  I haven't been Christian in a very long time, and the stress of the entire holiday exacerbates every illness that I have.  Commercialism has taken over a holiday that was once very sacred and decorated in in gaudy tinsel, garland, brightly colored packages, and the smells of cinnamon and mulling spices.

We were taught from a very small age the importance of the Christmas holiday.  The birth of Jesus was foremost and we always read the nativity story before breaking into the goodies accumulated over a month's time in a brightly colored stocking gleaming with glitter.  The Christmas holiday season was literally a season.  We made an effort to bake goodies, decorate a family tree, reminisce over ornaments, pick the perfect gift for every individual on our list, and watch classic Christmas movies and gorge ourselves on snack trays filled with goodies from Hickory Farms.  Unfortunately, none of that has happened for a very long time, now.  The torch has been passed back and forth from parent to child to parent to grandchild since the beginning of the holiday.  But when did I start becoming a Scrooge?  I am thankful when someone gives me a gift that takes time and effort.  I choose great gifts and expect no less from others.  Since becoming Jewish, I see Christmas as a time to share love and gratitude to those who have loved and been loved in the year.  Family is most dear and I get up lovingly each Christmas morning to cook a holiday brunch for my small family.  Just one more act of my giving.

I thought that this year would be different now that we have a 12 year old and a 2 year old in the house.  But for some reasons we all fall back into that same position we held as children in the family.  I become upset when each member of our family brings home gifts from work or other parent's houses.  I am just pushed off while we have the "look at me" show and reminded of my inadequacies of being a daughter.  Plus, I have tried to pick up the slack for everyone in my family that didn't have something to give the ones they loved even though I did not have the money to purchase my own gifts.  I become full of debt for those who do not even care enough to make a batch of cookies for others, create an ornament, or simply tell someone that they love them in a special way.


Plus, I don't want anyone to be left out of the holiday.  I am tired of giving until it hurts (sometimes literally) and not getting anything in return.  I find it very hard to believe that I can be a forced baby-sitter and then not even receive a dollar store gift in thanks.  As long as my family is together, I assume that I will be forced to reflect upon the holiday itself.  However, this is the last year that I will allow myself to fall into a holiday depression.  I have never had to go without.  My mother is loving and kind.  And kids will be kids.  Perhaps next year the best gift that I can give everyone is a vacation for myself.  No harm, no foul.  No tears, no pain.  Just a week, alone with a computer, sketchbook, and pencils, hot chocolate and warmth are all I need to feel like I am loved by the one person that counts.