"Passover" Me

Tonight was the first time that I thought about this blog in years.  It seems that I have been in a state of "Passover" for almost 6 years now instead of just 7 days.  I have had time to think and reflect on life as I have lived it, and I have come to the conclusion that I, like the Israelites, have been wandering through the desert longing to see the Promised Land.

I have been "passed over" for relationships, jobs, family, good health, and friendship for almost two decades.  Every attempt to take a step forward in my situation leads to two steps backwards...or so I thought.  The past two years have been some of the darkest and most enlightening years of my life.  After moving to Georgia for a Latin teaching job, I quickly became sick with a 3-month long migraine which caused me to have to quit teaching again.  However, little did I know that I was needed at home in North Carolina.  Both of my maternal grandparents were diagnosed with cancer and placed in Hospice at the same time.  They could not care for themselves, so I became their daytime caregiver.   After my grandmother passed, I moved into the house with my grandfather.  We had always been kindred spirits, but the last year of his life was exceedingly special to me.  He and I had many adventures together, told each other stories, dabbled in art, shared books, and had many conversations on religion, history, and the importance of each in one's life.  After growing so close to him, I was devastated when he passed on to his Tiny House in Heaven.  However, I knew that he was no longer in pain and that life goes on long after we return to dust.

I soon learned that I had my own health concerns with which I had to live.  I was diagnosed with Lupus and Occipital Neuralgia along with my Chronic Daily Migraines, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and everything that those illnesses entail.  It was time to find my way back into the world from which I had retreated two years earlier.  Since then, I have found new friends, reacquainted myself with old ones, engaged in art, began keeping a bullet journal, started reading the Torah along with various books everyday, applied for online teaching positions, and am enrolled in a class to learn how to teach gifted students online.  I am also a freelance marketing director for a local business.  I have been biding my time and trying to live my best life with debilitating illnesses.

This Passover was one of the first that I have celebrated entirely on my own.  I have seen it with new eyes and a new found dedication.  I have been bereft of leavening for almost 6 years as I struggled with my lot in life.  But, the Lord has now given me manna from Heaven to allow me to subsist until I cross into the land that was meant for me.  I can see it just over the Horizon   There will be struggles, battles, famine, and feasts, but it will all be mine for the taking.  All I have to do is embrace it as it comes to me and live each day to the best of my ability.

No Love Lost?

Lately, I have been singing a song of a different color.  No, not the ones like Alanis Morrisette or Melissa Etheridge after having kids, but a different tune all the same.  My sister says that I am finally coming back to life, but I believe that she is wrong.  I was never gone; I was just inside my cocoon.  I am loosing weight, gaining energy, and looking to make up for all the time that I lost being sick.
After my recent vacation from the world, I met a man that seemingly needs me as much as I need him.  We are kindred spirits who share many of the same life views and interests.  I do believe, along with my family that he is a reason for my revival.  I finally figured out the other day, while running errands for him or making sure that something was done for him, that he gives me purpose.  Life can be pretty lonely when no one needs you or wants you.  What reason do we have for getting out of our bed if all we have to do is take care of our own daily needs.  Routines are rote and there is no purpose in life when you are not accountable to anybody for anything.  While I am not sure if any of my love is returned, I need to give it in order to feel fulfilled.  Taking care of another gives me a reason for showering, making healthy meals, and pursuing a life beyond what I am used to living.
Meanwhile, the well of my soul is slowly being depleted and there is nothing to fill up the void.  Is there a point in an adult friendship where you can ask that more be given?  This has happened before in past relationships where I was dependent upon another person, but I have never been the one to ask for more for me.  How do I fill this well that once overflowed with need for love?  Now that I am needed, I keep pressing to get things done and they happen.  So, the question must be asked if being needed is all one needs to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  Am I getting the love that I need and desire?  Does this well become empty?  And is it appropriate for me to ask for love and appreciation in return?
If I am being filled with love and desire from another person, is that what it means to be loved?  Am I fulfilling my own needs by fulfilling his?  And does a friend need validation?  I feel that I am stuck in a perpetual state of youth.  I am stuck at 22 while my mind and soul are very old indeed.  I wonder if there are truly healthy relationships, and I wonder if they will ever exist for me.  Sometimes love is understood.  Other times, it needs to be said.  How do we know the difference?
I have loved, and I have lost, but if love is never requested, do we lose it in the first place?