Holiday Blues

I often sit and wonder why I even celebrate the holiday of Christmas with my family.  I haven't been Christian in a very long time, and the stress of the entire holiday exacerbates every illness that I have.  Commercialism has taken over a holiday that was once very sacred and decorated in in gaudy tinsel, garland, brightly colored packages, and the smells of cinnamon and mulling spices.

We were taught from a very small age the importance of the Christmas holiday.  The birth of Jesus was foremost and we always read the nativity story before breaking into the goodies accumulated over a month's time in a brightly colored stocking gleaming with glitter.  The Christmas holiday season was literally a season.  We made an effort to bake goodies, decorate a family tree, reminisce over ornaments, pick the perfect gift for every individual on our list, and watch classic Christmas movies and gorge ourselves on snack trays filled with goodies from Hickory Farms.  Unfortunately, none of that has happened for a very long time, now.  The torch has been passed back and forth from parent to child to parent to grandchild since the beginning of the holiday.  But when did I start becoming a Scrooge?  I am thankful when someone gives me a gift that takes time and effort.  I choose great gifts and expect no less from others.  Since becoming Jewish, I see Christmas as a time to share love and gratitude to those who have loved and been loved in the year.  Family is most dear and I get up lovingly each Christmas morning to cook a holiday brunch for my small family.  Just one more act of my giving.

I thought that this year would be different now that we have a 12 year old and a 2 year old in the house.  But for some reasons we all fall back into that same position we held as children in the family.  I become upset when each member of our family brings home gifts from work or other parent's houses.  I am just pushed off while we have the "look at me" show and reminded of my inadequacies of being a daughter.  Plus, I have tried to pick up the slack for everyone in my family that didn't have something to give the ones they loved even though I did not have the money to purchase my own gifts.  I become full of debt for those who do not even care enough to make a batch of cookies for others, create an ornament, or simply tell someone that they love them in a special way.


Plus, I don't want anyone to be left out of the holiday.  I am tired of giving until it hurts (sometimes literally) and not getting anything in return.  I find it very hard to believe that I can be a forced baby-sitter and then not even receive a dollar store gift in thanks.  As long as my family is together, I assume that I will be forced to reflect upon the holiday itself.  However, this is the last year that I will allow myself to fall into a holiday depression.  I have never had to go without.  My mother is loving and kind.  And kids will be kids.  Perhaps next year the best gift that I can give everyone is a vacation for myself.  No harm, no foul.  No tears, no pain.  Just a week, alone with a computer, sketchbook, and pencils, hot chocolate and warmth are all I need to feel like I am loved by the one person that counts.

Seasons of Change

Lately, I have been listening to a mixed CD while driving that I have named “Women Who Rock.” Every time I get to the song “A Change Will Do You Good” by Sheryl Crowe, I must stop, rewind, listen, and sing out loud. I have to remind myself that sometimes change is for the good.
I was so excited over the summer to start teaching again, starting graduate school again, waking up in the morning feeling well, showering and singing of the blessings of life. Unfortunately, six weeks into the quarter, my plans changed. My teaching job suddenly ended, tightening my purse strings once again, losing the new friends that I had made, and regretting the option to start school in financial disarray. But the entire experience taught me several great things: I do have the ability to teach, I know my subject very well, and a little enthusiasm goes a long way.
In retrospect, I should have been teaching at another school at another state at another time. However, life doesn’t always work out as planned. That is when I step back and realize all that I have overcome to get to the state in which I now find myself. I am now looking at a prospective job that will allow me to teach from home (or coffee shop), and in turn, it will allow me to continue graduate school. It will allow some independence and keep me at a safe place while I still need it. When I stop and look around me, I can only say that I have learned from the experience, forgive myself for blunders, and continue to seek the road less traveled.
Maybe there is a reason for all of this change. My sister may be moving into our home and need help with her little one during the day. My family may need me for backup. My health may not continue to thrive. My student loans definitely need to be canceled, and it may just be better off for me to be able to teach on my own schedule when I actually feel at my best. I definitely still need time to work on me.
So now, I spend my days in grad school work, cooking for my family, and taking life one step at a time. As we move from one holiday season into the next, I will have something… make that lots of things, that I will be thankful for. Holiday gifts may be slim, but at least we have a loving family with whom we can share more gifts than we can imagine. Baked goodies will be given, and time takes the place of money. Right now, this change has done me good. And I can only hope that it continues to do so as I continue to learn and grow.