'Tis the Season?

I am having lots of trouble getting into the spirit of the season of Thanksgiving, love, and togetherness.  I suppose that it would have something to do with my ex-fiancee leaving me a "Dear John" letter and packing up all of the belongings while I was at work last month, leaving me with about $3,000 in bills to pay by myself.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I do not have a family of my own with which to celebrate.  It could even be the fact that too much favoritism rears its ugly head in the form of gift-giving.  My family and future have been broken, and I feel like little has been accomplished this year.

Then there is the opposite side of the coin.  I have a home, a loving mother, a relatively stress-less job teaching bright, enthusiastic students.  I earned my teaching license (which I just received in the mail!).  My niece will soon be born, and my graduate school has been put on hold.  These are all blessings which I really took for granted until last year when I taught students who were homeless and had very little but that which they made for themselves.  If I look at my problems, they seem very minute in comparison.

So, for this season of giving and merry-making, I encourage each of you to look to those examples of those with less.  Enjoy the little amount of time left with our loved ones this year, put aside pettiness.  As Anne of Green Gables says, "Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."  So let's make that our goals and aspirations for next year.  I am going to enjoy what I have and try not to dwell in the land of negativity next year.  And who knows...maybe this year it will stick!

Love in an Elevator

The immortal words of Aerosmith's Steven Tyler, "Love in an elevator, livin' it up while I'm going down.  Love in an elevator, lovin' it up til I hit the ground," seem to ring true to all of those who have felt the highs of love and the lows of heartbreak.  I have often wondered if Love is really such a bi-polar daimon.  I think that both Plato and I would have to disagree.  Love doesn't simply come and go as he pleases.  Love is a constant; we are the variable.

The thought of Love has been a concern of mine for several years.  I have recently reached the age of 30-something, and looking around me, all of those who revolve in my immediate circle of friends, family, and acquaintances are married and on their way to starting families.  However, just as many are on their way to divorce or are starting their second families.  I even have a friend who jokingly refers to me as his future third wife.  In an era where half of all marriages end in divorce, I wonder if I have already missed out on love or if I am just holding out for that one true love.  

Mind you, I have loved and lost just as everyone else has, but I do not blame Love himself for all of the loss:  I consider myself to be a victim of circumstance.  I have been sick for many years now, and that just doesn't allow for meeting people, forming lasting, intimate relationships, building a family, etc.  At least, that is what I thought.  After reaching that 30-something milestone, I was forced to re-evaluate my ideas of love, intimacy, and family.  I soon realized that I was surrounded by Love of all kinds: maternal love, filial love, sisterly love, even Love by and for a Higher Power.  I have Love for knowledge, Love for self, Love for my pet cat Cleopatra, Love for family, and Love for friends.  The list is long and true.  And although I may not have a significant other right now, I am open and receptive to the idea, and that is the start.  

Each of my Loves feeds my spirit and does leave me with that wonderful "high" of which Steven Tyler sings.  But, that doesn't mean that I have to experience the lows of Love.  Recently, I read an article which reminded me that Love is not a given.  Love must be nurtured in order to grow, and love must be sustained in order to continue.  It is not constant, nor does it claim to be so.  I found that the following list could be applied to every type of Love there is, and if it is meant for me to experience that true love in the future, I must know how to maintain it so that it does last forever.  I hope that you find the list as elucidating as I did.

Ten Thoughts on Romance (www.wholeliving.com)

   1. True love begins with both curiosity about and acceptance of yourself.

   2.  Heartbreak does more than just hurt. It opens you up to love in a whole new way.

   3.  Passion does not get lost -- just abandoned. It's never too late to find it again.

   4.  Celebrate the milestones that mean the most to you, not someone else.

   5.  Real intimacy is expressed not with more words but with meaningful ones.

   6.  Love nourishes your soul; passion ignites it.

   7.  Touch is a powerful healing tool; use it lovingly and often.

   8.  The quality of your connections with other people will carry you further than you think.

   9.  Rediscover sex as a source of life-giving energy.

 10.  Sometimes the situations that make you most vulnerable offer the greatest rewards.

Homecoming Hullabaloo

Tomorrow I set out for my excursion to New Orleans for the first time in 4 years.  I have to admit that I am very excited about venturing once more to The City Beneath the Sea.  You, see, although I was not raised there, I am a New Orleanian through and through.  I dream in purple, green, and gold.  I bathe in the Mississippi.  I crave bread pudding and king cake.  I dance to the zydeco music playing in my head.  You get the picture...  The fact is that I wanted to get away from North Carolina (where I never really belonged) for college, and I landed in the City that Care Forgot.  Home, sweet home, at last.

I lived in New Orleans throughout college, and when I got sick, I returned there hoping that the hot, humid weather of the city I loved would heal me.  My adopted Jewish family took me in with wide arms once again (no longer referring to me as a Shabbos Goy) and I was steeped in love, wisdom, spirit, and the laissez faire attitude that one can find only in New Orleans.  Unfortunately, my little dream ended with a hurricane named Katrina.  Although I had ventured back to North Carolina only to finish my education, my home was in New Orleans.  However, it both burned and flooded in the hurricane to end all hurricanes.  My family was displaced for a year, and I have only been back a handful of times since.

Tomorrow will be the first time back in 4, count them four, years.  And it is not to see the remains of my devastated home, but a rather jubilant affair: the Bar Mitzvah of the younger boy of my adopted Jewish family.  So, my homecoming will be in the form of tears and revelry.  It is weird (and eye opening!) to know that a child whom you are old enough to have had yourself is now becoming an adult!

Although I will only be there for about 3 days, I plan to suck the marrow out of that city.  I will take tons of pictures, baptize myself in the splendor of the occasion, shop until my feet are sore, kiss my family until my lips hurt, eat until I have had my fill (soul and stomach), and basque in the glory of the city I love.  I will take every bit of lagniappe that I can get and make it into a collage that only an artist can truly appreciate.

Home is calling, and I am coming... if only for a little while.  Sometimes you need to go home again, just to feel that you are connected to something greater than yourself.  And New Orleans...she is certainly great.

No Love Lost?

Lately, I have been singing a song of a different color.  No, not the ones like Alanis Morrisette or Melissa Etheridge after having kids, but a different tune all the same.  My sister says that I am finally coming back to life, but I believe that she is wrong.  I was never gone; I was just inside my cocoon.  I am loosing weight, gaining energy, and looking to make up for all the time that I lost being sick.
After my recent vacation from the world, I met a man that seemingly needs me as much as I need him.  We are kindred spirits who share many of the same life views and interests.  I do believe, along with my family that he is a reason for my revival.  I finally figured out the other day, while running errands for him or making sure that something was done for him, that he gives me purpose.  Life can be pretty lonely when no one needs you or wants you.  What reason do we have for getting out of our bed if all we have to do is take care of our own daily needs.  Routines are rote and there is no purpose in life when you are not accountable to anybody for anything.  While I am not sure if any of my love is returned, I need to give it in order to feel fulfilled.  Taking care of another gives me a reason for showering, making healthy meals, and pursuing a life beyond what I am used to living.
Meanwhile, the well of my soul is slowly being depleted and there is nothing to fill up the void.  Is there a point in an adult friendship where you can ask that more be given?  This has happened before in past relationships where I was dependent upon another person, but I have never been the one to ask for more for me.  How do I fill this well that once overflowed with need for love?  Now that I am needed, I keep pressing to get things done and they happen.  So, the question must be asked if being needed is all one needs to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  Am I getting the love that I need and desire?  Does this well become empty?  And is it appropriate for me to ask for love and appreciation in return?
If I am being filled with love and desire from another person, is that what it means to be loved?  Am I fulfilling my own needs by fulfilling his?  And does a friend need validation?  I feel that I am stuck in a perpetual state of youth.  I am stuck at 22 while my mind and soul are very old indeed.  I wonder if there are truly healthy relationships, and I wonder if they will ever exist for me.  Sometimes love is understood.  Other times, it needs to be said.  How do we know the difference?
I have loved, and I have lost, but if love is never requested, do we lose it in the first place?