Soul Searching through the Pages of a Journal

As one of my 101 goals in 1,001 days, I have started keeping a journal.  However, this journal is not your average day in and day out journal.  I keep a blank paged Moleskine large journal with me at most times with watercolor pencils or colored pencils, sketching pencils, erasers, and pens.  This journal has become an all encompassing one in which I can doodle to prompts, write down my daily thoughts, keep lists of various points that I think are whimsical or deserve reflection, and I even use it to keep account of other goals on my list.

For anyone interested in the soul-searching that can only be found in self reflection, I would encourage you to pick up a little black book of your own that would meet your needs accordingly.  These books are hardbound and include a bookmark, an elastic band to keep your work together, and a nifty little pocket in the back for storing all sorts of notions and little forget-me-nots.  Moleskine journalers may find a plethora of aids for each size journal at www.moleskine.com.  Register at myMoleskine and one will find goodies under the link MSK.  There you may find templates for lined paper, graph paper, blank paper, calendars, planning pages, loves pages, favorites pages, book reviews, recipe keepers, art, etc. that can be downloaded, printed, and glued onto the pages of your own Moleskine.  What a great way to customize your own journal!  You may even type your information onto some of the PDF pages and print a typewritten page for your journal.  There are so many ways to play in your journal that it would be a shame for your soul and posterity not to have one!  I can even convert the posts in my blog to the pages of the journal.

So, for those of you still wondering how, why, and what to journal, I have found the neatest site while reading the posts on BlogHer from Karen Walrond, author of the blog "Own Your Own Beauty."  She gives some wonderful insights that I would like to share with you here so that you may begin your journal to finding your own beauty which, if you are like me, lies within the pages of your soul as well as your brightly colored, clutter-filled journal.

The Rules and the Tools of a Journal

As I mentioned above, journaling should be completely freeform and generally rule-free; that said, the only rule for myself (and I would suggest, for anyone just starting out), is that you are not allowed to rip out any pages. In other words, if you make a mistake, or you try doodling something you don't like, or you don't think it's neat enough, or heck, of someone rests their coffee cup on the open page leaving a ring stain, it stays in the book. I know this might feel very frustrating at first, but just trust me on this. Years from now, after you've forgotten about it, you'll come across the scribble, or the coffee stain, and might actually be charmed by this.

So, since this is my rule, I never buy spiral-bound journals, since the temptation to rip out a page is too strong. Instead, I buy tightly-bound journals -- Moleskines are great (hard to rip out pages), and I started using those, but then I found a more eco-friendly version and have been using those instead. And I always get the unlined versions, so that I can write as big or small as I want, but it doesn't matter, really. And also, since you're going to want to have it on you as much as possible (you'll see why, below), be sure to get a size that's big enough to write in, but portable enough to throw into your handbag or backpack.

In addition to the journals, I have a favourite pen that I always use. Make sure to pick your favourite -- you'll want use it a lot.

Okay, so that's all you'll need. Here we go:

(I do not write in pen in my journal since I am constantly finding myself misspelling words, not able to draw a circle on the first try, etc.  I do have special instruments for drawing and a favorite mechanical pencil that is constantly used.  DO NOT erase anything of substance, but if you are a perfectionist like I, then it is quite fine to use a pencil...but make it special. ~MT)

Level 1: The Most Basic Journal -- the To-Do List and Scratch Pad

. Every day, whether I write or include anything else in my journal, the one thing I do make sure to do is to write down my to-do list for the day. There is something just so satisfying about scratching through the items I have to do as I get them done; in addition, having all of my to-do lists in one place is convenient: I can go back and remember when I did something, or if I fail to do something one day, I simply move it to the following day.

Then -- and this is the part that might be unlike how you've ever heard journaling be done -- I keep my journal with me for the rest of the day and use the pages following my to-do list like a scratch pad. Someone calls and leaves a message for my husband? I write it down there. Need to make a grocery list? I write it down in my journal. Planning a trip? The packing list goes in the pages

Ideas for blog posts, names of bottles of wine I want to remember, even brainstorming book ideas while I sit in the car pool line, waiting for my daughter to come out of school -- anything that I would scratch on a piece of paper or even a napkin happens in my journal.

The beauty of this is that because your journal is chronological, you'll be able to go find things -- your notes, ideas, etc. -- easily. It's been a great way to organize my life, and an easy way to start "journaling" without feeling too exposed or weird about it.

(I have written daily to-do lists, contact information, favorite websites, etc. in a journal.  I do not keep it as regularly as a day planner, but as I venture into the world of journaling, I hope to include more of these daily lists and mementos. ~MT)

Level 2: "Morning Pages"

-- In addition to the to-do lists, above; and, in fact, before I even write down my to-do lists, I write two "morning pages." The idea is actually espoused in Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way, and the concept is this: First thing in the morning, before you even turn on your computer, you write at least two pages (The Artist's Way actually suggests three pages) of whatever comes to your head -- completely stream-of-consciousness, without any particular attention to spelling or grammar, simply spilling all the thoughts that are cluttering your mind every morning.

To be honest with you, I rarely go back and read these pages -- but what I've found is that just doing this clears my head for the day, and gets rid of the superfluous thoughts so that I can focus on what's important to me for the day. It's just a nice little clearing exercise.

One tip that my friend Jen gave me that I try to maintain: Try to do the to-do list and the morning pages (if you do them) before you turn on your computer. In this way, you can be sure to focus what's important to you for the day before your email inbox decided to rule your world. Your email should supplement what you want to accomplish for the day, not take it over.

(I have not created any morning pages as of yet.  I write a little in the morning.  Sometimes it is just to get the clutter out of my head to start the day while other times it is just to get the day rolling.  There is no limit or time to writing daily, but do make sure that you at least write the date and something on the page with it...even if it is just a grocery list, a dinner recipe, or a to-do list. ~MT)

Level 3: For the Purpose of Capturing the Ephemera of Your Life, Use Your Journal as a Scrapbook and a Photo Album

I don't know about you, but (a) I do not scrapbook in the way that "scrapbook" has come to mean, and (b) I am horrible about putting photographs into albums. (Yes, I am a photographer. Yes, I know this is pathetic). But since I do journal every day, I've found a couple of ways to make sure that I manage to capture memories in a way that doesn't seem like a chore or even a huge chunk of my time:

First, whenever I come across a piece of paper that I love -- someone sends me a pretty card, for example, or I get a fortune from a fortune cookie that I like, or my daughter draws me a pretty picture that I want to save, I just glue it right into the pages of my journal:

Again, I just glue these down in the next available blank page I have, regardless of when I received or found the card, or when Alex did her original piece of art for me. Sometimes I caption them, sometimes I don't. And if I happen to be somewhere where I don't have glue, no worries -- the journals that I use have little pockets in the back, so I just save them there until I can get to them. When the pocket in the back of the journal gets too fat, I know it's time to start gluing.

Similarly, I discovered these awesome adhesive pockets that you can get in any office supply store that conveniently hold 4"x6" photos. So every now and then I print my favourite images, or if I'm cleaning out a closet and stumble on some old snapshots, I grab one of these pockets, stick the photo inside, and slap these babies in my journal:

and bam! instant photo album. The pockets are really great for anything you don't want to glue down:

Now gluing and inserting pockets admittedly can make your completed journal sort of fat, but trust me, that's part of its charm.

(I have got to find these pocket pages!  I rip out magazine articles, checklists, gift ideas, favorite fortune cookie fortunes, ticket stubs, my nephew's art, and I am sure that I would even put in lotto tickets if I played.  Anything that piques your interests during the day deserves to be recognized.  What better way to keep it all together than in your journal.  The Moleskine website allows you to insert pics from your computer that can be printed.  Sometimes, it is worth the effort just to download that pic you have on your phone of your little one with ice cream all over his face.  Those pics are worth a thousand words at least.  I might even start using it to insert pics of the dishes that I make.  ~MT)

Level 4: Color, Doodle, Add Art, Collage, Write Favorite Quotes, Etc.

-- Over months, I've become really taken with the concept of art journaling -- not just writing down thoughts, but simply expressing them through art. I've never considered myself much of an artist in the traditional sense of the word; however, since a journal is ostensibly very private, I found that my journal is where I can play around with art and color without risk of anyone judging my work. I love colour, and when I first began, I would just paint a page with water colors, just to have something different from a plain white page to write on (see the seventh image, above). But since then, I've started also just playing with the pages. Sometimes I collage:

And sometimes I just doodle, using big fat colored pens to write down favorite quotes I come across, and just generally mess around doodling.

I admit that this might seem the most risky thing to do in a journal, but remember: no one has to see this but you.  This is just for playing purposes, and in fact, I most often do this sitting in front of our television, watching a movie on the weekend, just playing around. It's something to do rather than surf the web, you know? Just for play.

So that's it! Again, to make a journal a journal, you don't have to do all of these things -- you might just do some of them. Or none of them, and come up with some ideas all of your own. But I think the practice of just hand writing things on paper is meditative. It certainly helps me organize my life. And again, the result -- even the pages with the coffee/tea rings on them -- make for a really beautiful record of my messy life.

So if, for the year to come, you'd like to start spending more time doing something just for you, consider picking up a plain journal and a few pens, and start playing, without any preconceived expectations or judgments. You'll thank yourself.

For art journal inspiration, here are a couple of sources that I've found really helpful:

The 1,000 Journals Project -- This is an awesome project in which 1,000 journals were sent out into the world, and people added their own art/thoughts to a page, and then passed it on. It is a great source for seeing the different ways people journal, and I guarantee you, it's very freeing: Some of the pages are mindblowingly intricate; however, some are refreshingly simple, and will make you believe, "Hey, I can do that," even if you've never done a moment of art in your life. You can see a sampling of the pages here; in addition, I own the book, which is wonderful to go back to again and again.

The Diary of Frida Kahlo -- This is a book composed of the pages of the diary of the famous Mexican artist Frida Kahlo. The reason I love this book so much is because here's this great artist, one of the most famous of modern times, and in her diary there are scribbles, stains, ink bleeding through to the other side of the page, misspellings. And nonetheless, her diary is absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful. It's a great lesson in remember that perfect isn't always desired, and what's beautiful about a personal piece of work is our own humanity that we can leave in it. It makes "art" accessible, particularly when it comes to journaling.

Teesha Moore's blog -- Okay, before you click on that link, let me warn you that Teesha Moore is a mindblowingly astounding art journalist. Her work is astonishing. But she's also incredibly generous with her methods (and she even tells you how she does it in a series of YouTube videos, and I've found it really fun to just try to copy a small piece of her work in my journal. Really inspiring stuff.

Zentangle -- If you'd like to try making hand-drawn art but are a bit concerned about your drawing skills, consider straight-up doodling. These intricate doodles, called zentangles, are all about creating your own art by just making a series of repetitive strokes. Give it a whirl.

Charis Brown Malloy -- And finally, in response to my call to make vision boards last week, Charis shared her Vision Books -- she actually does her vision collage work in a journal. I love this. Take a look at what she does -- an ability to draw is not required, and the result is stunning.

(I use my journal to doodle my Hamsas and Mandalas.  They are a great way to remember scenes, dreams, or even free your mind while talking on the phone.  It is filled with color, just like me.  I also have just learned what a ZenDoodle is and I have used the concept in making Mandalas.  I am also following the prompts for art journaling on the Milliande Ning Art Community for Women which includes various art groups for women to learn art, communicate with other artists, support the art field, talk about various kinds of art, and even swap art.  I encourage all women who aspire to art in their journaling to check out the website and register.  It, like the Moleskine site is free.  Enjoy your journaling and see what the world has folded out before you!  ~MT)

Holiday Blues

I often sit and wonder why I even celebrate the holiday of Christmas with my family.  I haven't been Christian in a very long time, and the stress of the entire holiday exacerbates every illness that I have.  Commercialism has taken over a holiday that was once very sacred and decorated in in gaudy tinsel, garland, brightly colored packages, and the smells of cinnamon and mulling spices.

We were taught from a very small age the importance of the Christmas holiday.  The birth of Jesus was foremost and we always read the nativity story before breaking into the goodies accumulated over a month's time in a brightly colored stocking gleaming with glitter.  The Christmas holiday season was literally a season.  We made an effort to bake goodies, decorate a family tree, reminisce over ornaments, pick the perfect gift for every individual on our list, and watch classic Christmas movies and gorge ourselves on snack trays filled with goodies from Hickory Farms.  Unfortunately, none of that has happened for a very long time, now.  The torch has been passed back and forth from parent to child to parent to grandchild since the beginning of the holiday.  But when did I start becoming a Scrooge?  I am thankful when someone gives me a gift that takes time and effort.  I choose great gifts and expect no less from others.  Since becoming Jewish, I see Christmas as a time to share love and gratitude to those who have loved and been loved in the year.  Family is most dear and I get up lovingly each Christmas morning to cook a holiday brunch for my small family.  Just one more act of my giving.

I thought that this year would be different now that we have a 12 year old and a 2 year old in the house.  But for some reasons we all fall back into that same position we held as children in the family.  I become upset when each member of our family brings home gifts from work or other parent's houses.  I am just pushed off while we have the "look at me" show and reminded of my inadequacies of being a daughter.  Plus, I have tried to pick up the slack for everyone in my family that didn't have something to give the ones they loved even though I did not have the money to purchase my own gifts.  I become full of debt for those who do not even care enough to make a batch of cookies for others, create an ornament, or simply tell someone that they love them in a special way.


Plus, I don't want anyone to be left out of the holiday.  I am tired of giving until it hurts (sometimes literally) and not getting anything in return.  I find it very hard to believe that I can be a forced baby-sitter and then not even receive a dollar store gift in thanks.  As long as my family is together, I assume that I will be forced to reflect upon the holiday itself.  However, this is the last year that I will allow myself to fall into a holiday depression.  I have never had to go without.  My mother is loving and kind.  And kids will be kids.  Perhaps next year the best gift that I can give everyone is a vacation for myself.  No harm, no foul.  No tears, no pain.  Just a week, alone with a computer, sketchbook, and pencils, hot chocolate and warmth are all I need to feel like I am loved by the one person that counts.

Seasons of Change

Lately, I have been listening to a mixed CD while driving that I have named “Women Who Rock.” Every time I get to the song “A Change Will Do You Good” by Sheryl Crowe, I must stop, rewind, listen, and sing out loud. I have to remind myself that sometimes change is for the good.
I was so excited over the summer to start teaching again, starting graduate school again, waking up in the morning feeling well, showering and singing of the blessings of life. Unfortunately, six weeks into the quarter, my plans changed. My teaching job suddenly ended, tightening my purse strings once again, losing the new friends that I had made, and regretting the option to start school in financial disarray. But the entire experience taught me several great things: I do have the ability to teach, I know my subject very well, and a little enthusiasm goes a long way.
In retrospect, I should have been teaching at another school at another state at another time. However, life doesn’t always work out as planned. That is when I step back and realize all that I have overcome to get to the state in which I now find myself. I am now looking at a prospective job that will allow me to teach from home (or coffee shop), and in turn, it will allow me to continue graduate school. It will allow some independence and keep me at a safe place while I still need it. When I stop and look around me, I can only say that I have learned from the experience, forgive myself for blunders, and continue to seek the road less traveled.
Maybe there is a reason for all of this change. My sister may be moving into our home and need help with her little one during the day. My family may need me for backup. My health may not continue to thrive. My student loans definitely need to be canceled, and it may just be better off for me to be able to teach on my own schedule when I actually feel at my best. I definitely still need time to work on me.
So now, I spend my days in grad school work, cooking for my family, and taking life one step at a time. As we move from one holiday season into the next, I will have something… make that lots of things, that I will be thankful for. Holiday gifts may be slim, but at least we have a loving family with whom we can share more gifts than we can imagine. Baked goodies will be given, and time takes the place of money. Right now, this change has done me good. And I can only hope that it continues to do so as I continue to learn and grow.

Delayed Gratification

If anyone has been following my life for the past year, then they will know of the great metamorphosis my life has experienced. Last June I made two goals, and lofty goals indeed: health and happiness. But these are big goals and I had to plot intermediate steps between each goal in order to achieve them. How many people really plot out the mini goals in life? I knew that being healthy enough to return to school and work would make me happy, but I did not understand what an arduous journey it would be to get each goal accomplished.
So, how does one go about making a complete life change in 1 year? First, I found the right medications for me to be able to cope with my illnesses. Then I had to get my license renewed and car in shape after being parked for more than a year due to my own fears of hurting others. Next, I realized that I needed to get myself in shape in order to handle the stressors of life. I became vegetarian and have lost 75 lbs in a year and a half. This would eventually add energy and spice to my life as I began taking better care of my body which forgot about taking care of me many years ago. Finally I had to learn to socialize again without being emotionally crippled by my physical situation. I started attending singles activities, started dating, and dancing and even met a friend that I am sure to have for the rest of our lives. I new that I had to start tutoring again in order to regain my lost Latin skills, so I took on two students to tutor every week. I applied to a graduate program and even went on the interview, but without financial resources I stopped the process temporarily. Finally, realizing that I had to become independent and learn to live a life according to what I loved, so I applied for several teaching jobs, one of which I just finished my 2nd interview for hire.
Wow! Much people never accomplish that much in a lifetime! I was quite dismayed at the fact that I would have to wait for two weeks to find out if I got the job. I wanted to treat myself to some retail therapy for all of the hard work that I had done. Pedicure, clothing, jewelry, make-up, and a new teaching bag were all on my list of “gratifications” for a goal accomplished. However, the more that I reviewed the situation, I realized that I had been given my health, my independence, my strength, my desire, and my calling in return for all the hard work that I had done. Gratification was received at every step along the way.
I do not need those objects to show myself that I accomplished something. I already know it in my head, my soul, my spirit, and my smile. Mind you, I still look forward to splurging a little on myself, but I am already victorious and reaping the benefits of all the efforts sewn. In the end, my high school Latin teacher (and Vergil) were correct: Perhaps once it will be glad to remember these things! (The Aeneid, Vergil, II. 232-234)

No Love Lost?

Lately, I have been singing a song of a different color.  No, not the ones like Alanis Morrisette or Melissa Etheridge after having kids, but a different tune all the same.  My sister says that I am finally coming back to life, but I believe that she is wrong.  I was never gone; I was just inside my cocoon.  I am loosing weight, gaining energy, and looking to make up for all the time that I lost being sick.
After my recent vacation from the world, I met a man that seemingly needs me as much as I need him.  We are kindred spirits who share many of the same life views and interests.  I do believe, along with my family that he is a reason for my revival.  I finally figured out the other day, while running errands for him or making sure that something was done for him, that he gives me purpose.  Life can be pretty lonely when no one needs you or wants you.  What reason do we have for getting out of our bed if all we have to do is take care of our own daily needs.  Routines are rote and there is no purpose in life when you are not accountable to anybody for anything.  While I am not sure if any of my love is returned, I need to give it in order to feel fulfilled.  Taking care of another gives me a reason for showering, making healthy meals, and pursuing a life beyond what I am used to living.
Meanwhile, the well of my soul is slowly being depleted and there is nothing to fill up the void.  Is there a point in an adult friendship where you can ask that more be given?  This has happened before in past relationships where I was dependent upon another person, but I have never been the one to ask for more for me.  How do I fill this well that once overflowed with need for love?  Now that I am needed, I keep pressing to get things done and they happen.  So, the question must be asked if being needed is all one needs to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  Am I getting the love that I need and desire?  Does this well become empty?  And is it appropriate for me to ask for love and appreciation in return?
If I am being filled with love and desire from another person, is that what it means to be loved?  Am I fulfilling my own needs by fulfilling his?  And does a friend need validation?  I feel that I am stuck in a perpetual state of youth.  I am stuck at 22 while my mind and soul are very old indeed.  I wonder if there are truly healthy relationships, and I wonder if they will ever exist for me.  Sometimes love is understood.  Other times, it needs to be said.  How do we know the difference?
I have loved, and I have lost, but if love is never requested, do we lose it in the first place?

Looking Before Leaping

Do you ever wondering if it is always best to look before you leap?  Sometimes, the apprehension of falling keeps us from leaping in the first place.  Recently, I began reading a book by Paulo Coelho entitled The Fifth Mountain.  In the book, Mr. Coelho states that the paths that are chosen for us are ours to follow alone.  No matter how much we try to avoid them, all experiences lead back to the same path.
Those who know me know that my path was chosen in high school.  Since graduating, I have attempted to circumvent this several times, but that path is where I find my greatest happiness.  In my life, all roads do lead to Rome.  I am currently looking at a teaching job that I know will take away any energy that I have left, available economic resources that I worked tirelessly to obtain, and perhaps derail many actions already taken.  However, the benefit does outweigh the risk. I compiled a list of pros and cons, like I always do.  The cons are sky-high, but so are the rewards!  In this instance, the act of looking is scarier than just blindly leaping.
We will never get lemonade if we only complain about how sour the lemons are in the first place.

A Change Will Do You Good

Over the past year, I have been hospitalized for depression 3 times.  This may come as a shock to those who know me, but I don’t think of it as being week instead being strong enough to ask for help.  While inside the walls of a cloistered environment, everything is safe.  There is a schedule, people with whom one may talk, regular meals, regular med times, and mind numbing predictability (usually).  Being on the outside is scary.  Without the routine of daily life, one easily slips back into that depressed state of mind.  Some of us sleep life away while the television becomes our best friend.  Microwaved meals make for a very unbalanced diet and unhealthy to boot.  We skip those needed meds and double up to make up for the missed ones.  Routine is a necessity for keeping sanity.
I have spent most of the past year making goals, keeping a calendar, and filling it full of activities to aid in my constant struggle.  Recently, I started implementing those good intentions.  Applying to graduate school will give me a reason for getting up and another date to keep on my calendar.  I even dared to interview for a full-time teaching position, opting for a daily structure, the ability to live alone, keeping a healthy lifestyle, and making myself accountable over sitting in the dark and waiting for my student loans to be canceled.  However, this change toward routine and living life will force me to repay my student loans, take on added expenses, assume more accountability, and actively pursuing life.  My calendar is filled monthly with events to attend, grocery shopping, dr. appointments, school, tutoring, teaching, visits to the farmers’ market, weekend dancing,  religious services, and hopeful dates.
It is easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns, but often times we need that change in order to become healthy.  This isn’t just a mental change.  Everything must change from your view on life to the time you wake yourself up in the mornings.  Being sick and tired has left  me sick and tired, and change, whatever the costs to one’s lifestyle and pocketbook may bring, is the only way to break the cycle.
So, in light of this enlightenment, I encourage everyone to make one change in their life this month.  Make it for the positive.  This year I have changed homes, changed my diet, changed my physical size, aimed for goals, returned to practicing my religion, began dancing, applied for jobs and school, and began tutoring a subject I love.  But this total metamorphosis is not necessary for everyone, only those who like me find themselves in a rut and cannot bring themselves out of it.
Change your hair, change your clothes, change your friends, change your comfort zone.  And in the end, a change will do you good.